and she smiles...

buh bye blogger.

2009-01-02T12:08:00.002-06:00

i am blogging on my domain now, friends. hope to see ya there!

snow day. i needed thee.

2008-12-11T22:24:00.002-06:00

snow day tomorrow = happiness.

everything else = kinda blah.

the migraines are not going away. i am on two preventatives now and a RX to take if/when i get one. sometimes i think it would be better just to yank my head off... however that would be my demise.

christmas has crept... no, sprang upon me with great force. 2 weeks until the day and i have purchased one gift.

as much as i love taking pictures, sometimes i am just no so certain about this photography business thing. i just feel so inadequate. blah blah BLAH! where did my photography confidence go? i say the grinch stole it...

speaking of which... i don't get to watch that with the special ones tomorrow due to school being out... let me weigh what is better and what i can live without. done.

i think i am going to go read some more of new moon... which is really quite depressing... i am just hopeful for edward's return. it has to come. :-)

and i think i am done ranting now. thanks. bye.

a list...

2008-12-04T15:52:00.005-06:00

because there is no time for something lengthy.

* i am exhausted.

* i can't put twilight down. this morning i said i would just read one more page... yeah right.

[twilight reading schedule today:

6:25-6:50 read "one more" page

10:30-11:15 read lots more

12:15-12:45 read more

3:00-3:15 read more.. and sadly put it away to go home. i could of sat at school for another hour completely engulfed. ]

* i have so many pictures to edit. and twilight isn't helping that. ;-)

* i am feeling a bit discouraged about my photography. i know several people starting out their photography businesses and they are amazing. i feel as though i just can't compete...

* sometimes, like today, i just don't feel special. and no amount of serotonin can help that.

* my dog is weird.

* mexican food or chocolate milk might make me slightly more happy.

* i really need to get to work...

growing up.

2008-11-20T18:37:00.002-06:00

so, where exactly has november gone? and 2008 for that matter... this has been a crazy month. i can say that i am throughly looking forward to having next week off.

i am getting extremely excited about thanksgiving this year, as i will be cooking my very first thanksgiving meal. i have already bought my turkey! i can't wait to start cooking next thursday and spend time with my family. i hope that it is a success :-) makes me feel so grown up!

i think the theme of my life for the past few weeks has been just that... growing up. you know, being a big girl. i have been considering a big trip, the out of the country kind... and i have never been outside the US! i would have to fly all alone... so scary and yet so exciting! and i need to decide... like yesterday. but really... i do. growing up.

and i thought i came to my decision last week. but then, i had a bit of an emergency situation. friday morning, i got a phone call that my precious little buddy was being taken to the ER. i felt pretty helpless and panicked as i drove to the hospital. when i arrived, he had regained consciousness and looked about pitiful in his oversized hospital gown. my heart broke to hear him cry in pain... as i cuddled him i knew that what i felt was similar to what a mother must feel in those situations. he is my best friend... my favorite 7 year old... and like a child to me. working with him everyday makes my heart just fall in love with him. he is great. and as i sat there with him all i wanted was to make him feel better. and now, he is back to being the fun loving michael... and i am ever so cautious with him... just like a mother ;-) ... growing up.

saturday i have a wedding to shoot... it is almost 2 hours away. it will be a l-o-n-g day. and i better bring my good attitude. :-) having your own business= growing up.

so. there you have it. here's to hoping sunday gets here fast. yay fall break!

good ol' W.

2008-11-06T17:49:00.004-06:00

i think that this is a great article.

and i am definitely going to miss the humor bush brings me. the random dancing, squinty eyes, and how he amuses himself with his lil jokes in speeches. i would love to meet him. and have him make me laugh. he should be my grandpa. haha

that's all.

just a little politics... dos

2008-10-27T18:29:00.004-05:00

today the children in michael's kindergarten class had to choose what candidate they would vote for if they could. i found this humorous because i already assumed what the outcome would be. and wouldn't you believe it! that obama is just as popular among a group of 5 year olds! as soon as the teacher pulled out his picture all the children exclaimed, "barack obama"! wow. and like two kids were like, "john mccain" when his picture was shown. of course, most of this is due to who the parents are for in their homes. but... i find it startling that he is so popular among these children... just like he is in the rest of America. i am afraid it will be that way on election day as well. just going with the popular choice... all i can hope for is that they are all informed voters. but i digress...

a lot of people at work don't talk about who they are for. in our generation, i feel like that is a pretty open topic. on my facebook page i clearly display that i am for mccain. and i am ok with that. in 2004, i clearly displayed a "W" sticker on my car. i am proud and thankful to vote. and i am ok sharing my opinion about who i am voting for. in our generation, i feel that this need to keep that private is changing. and i think that can definitely be a good thing. i think having an opinion and sharing that opinion can help spread the desire to vote and inform people about this issues. i always enjoying hearing why someone has chosen to support a certain candidate. i think it is interesting. i also like sharing my opinion with others... in hopes i can shine some light on something that i feel is important and maybe they can see it too. i wish i could talk to people at work about the election, but they are all just so darn secretive about it! but i guess i can understand why they might not want to get into politics because of possible judgement or heated debates. but i say, let's be honest. it's just politics :-)

but... going back to the kids... and to brighten up what may be a dreadfully boring post... little michael chose obama. and i found this hysterical. ultra republican family... with the son that chose obama... it was clearly a peer pressure decision by ACORN (a coercing organization rallying nonsense) ;-)

just a little politics...

2008-10-08T17:48:00.003-05:00

last night i watched the debate that took place here in nashville. i have been pretty interested in this election. i like to vote and i like to know what i am voting for. so, therefore, i try to watch the debates and do my research.

i watched the debate on cnn last night. and if you did you probably noticed the graph at the bottom that was rating what the candidates based on the opinions of some undecided voters in ohio.

after much thought about this, i decided that i did not like that. nor, did i think it was effective. it is only based on your emotional response... and really the debates are too. and then... after realizing that thought... i tried to think if the debates are effective. and, i think they are good... but, ultimately, both candidates are going to stretch the truth in order to get that emotional response and hopefully your vote. i think that they can be effective to give voters knowledge, but the responsibility to really find out what they stand for falls upon the voters. as viewers and voters, we can't rely upon the debates alone to give us useful knowledge about our candidates.

which brings me to my next point... that you should be an informed voter! know what your voting for. it is so important to not go and just vote for who is the most popular... it is not all about personality! i think it is so important to know the issues, know what you stand for and pick the candidate that best aligns with what you think is best for our country. i also think it is important not to let emotions get in the way of picking a candidate... i don't want a leader that leads only based on emotions. i want someone that leads based on what is the logical and right thing to do. i also don't want the government meddling around in everything... this is a democracy not a socialist form of government... but that is for another day ;-)

so yeah. sorry for the rambling on politics. just had to put that out there....

if you are still undecided, i think that this can be helpful in making your choice.

progress.

2008-10-03T17:15:00.003-05:00

so. i have this really bad habit of comparing myself to others... pretty much in the most negative ways i can. in my head i am never quite enough.

but today, friends. today, i saw something that i would normally start with the list of negatives... all adding up to me not being enough... but today, i thought to myself, "it's ok. i am me, and that's enough." couldn't even believe THAT thought entered my mind!

FINALLY, i am realizing that is enough. i am me. and that's okay.... it's even special. yay! :-D [hehe]

a time for every season...

2008-08-28T21:18:00.003-05:00

i guess times like this come every once in a while...

times where you have been anticipating the end... dreading it... being naive about it... and finally it comes. it happens. and even though you knew it was coming it doesn't make it any easier.

i am talking about lost. just kidding. that would be pretty funny though. :-)

can i tell you a funny story? yesterday, this special friend, was pretending to stand at the sink with his back to me... la te da... and then he smacked me right on the butt. and i turned around and he just had this sly little grin on his face! haha and then i started laughing and Michael was like, "what's so funny?". haha i love Michael! he has been especially cute lately... we had a dance party in my car wednesday.... oh that... and he told me the baby in his belly was making his belly hurt! how cute is that child? he watches too many medical shows...

ok. that is all.

and so it is...

2008-08-20T16:08:00.002-05:00

so... this is my second week working with Michael at Julia Green...

and somedays I think I am having a harder time adjusting than Michael...

and somedays, like today, I miss St. George's. I miss my boss, my friends, and most of all, a work environment that was amazing.

but, I love Michael. and I would have missed him as well if I stayed at St. George's... I will adjust. I will make new friends (adult ones.. I have some children friends!). And Michael will continue to my buddy.

The Tale of Two Choices, Decision Part Dos

2008-08-07T14:56:00.002-05:00

Finally, after many days of waiting by the phone, Metro called me. There wasn't much time to make a decision. It was a quick and to the point conversation. A 'do you accept?'... 'ok', here's what you need to do, type of conversation. So, I accepted. And have been busy trying to get everything completed.

So. Then came the moment I dreaded. As I pulled up into St. George's parking lot my heart started pounding and my mind racing. I felt heavy as I walked inside. The few people that were there greeted me with smiles. My boss asked me if I was ready to start back and that is when I told her I needed to talk to her. I could see it all over her face right then. I started to cry of course. She was very understanding and very happy for both Michael and I. I am very sad to leave St. George's. It has been a wonderful place to work. And I wish I could be selfish and have both of the things I love, but I cannot. So, I chose Michael. And I am happy about that. I get to proceed with him to this next step in his education. I get to be there with him when he makes those huge first steps... I get to watch him grow academically and socially. I am thrilled that I get to spend my work day with my best friend. I am his Mr. Feeney and he doesn't even know it yet! I can't wait to see his face when school starts. And I am also excited to see some of the students from St. George's there. It will be scary and exciting all in one.

It is funny how life works out sometimes. This time last year I was offered the position to be Michael's assistant. Now, a year later, I am still his assistant but in a different school. It is fun to be at this point in my life.

So, thank you friends for the advice and prayers. Your thoughtfulness has been greatly appreciated.

The Tale of Two Choices, Revisited.

2008-07-30T16:26:00.004-05:00

Remember not too long ago when I was faced with a hard choice between two jobs-- Michael or St. George's? Remember how this choice was made for me? Well, friends, as of today, right now, I have the two choices again. And this time no choice will be made for me. This time it's for real and it has to be made now.

This all happened very quickly, you see. Last month I saw a posting on craigslist about a child with special needs needing an educational assistant at a local public school here. The ad said the individual would need to be hired through METRO. Similar, to what I would have need to do, if METRO allowed me to go with Michael. I thought this was interesting and sent a link to Michael's mom. Just this week, Michael's mom emailed me about an interesting conversation she had with METRO. Turns out, they decided they could hire me to be Michael's private aide. I was prompted to fill out an application even if I just had a little interest in it. I filled it out, and today, I was informed METRO has decided to hire me for the position. So. Here I stand again.

I adore Michael. I want to watch Michael grow up.

St. George's is excellent. The best school I have ever worked at.

If I go with METRO it could be a career choice. They have great educational opportunities, and not to mention higher pay and benefits. But, St. George's is familiar. Comfortable. I have friends and a wonderful boss. So new and unfamiliar versus comfortable. The love for my buddy vs my love for my work place.

So, right now, I wish my husband wasn't in a meeting. Right now, I wish I had more time. But, right now, I must think and decided. Right now.

The Boy Who Wears Red Shoes, A Photo Essay

2008-07-17T21:01:00.002-05:00

So, with my goal in mind and my love for my little buddy, I have submitted a photo essay about Michael. You can vote for this as well... and it may get published in a future issue of JPG magazine.

Thanks my friends! You guys rock!

[elizabeth, you should consider doing a photo essay. you do have a way with words!]

my little minions...

2008-07-16T15:41:00.006-05:00

[current frustration]

what gives insurance companies the right to say whether or not something is right for you? if a doctor diagnosis a patient with a particular thing, sets a treatment plan, why is it ok for the insurance company to deny that?! if a doctor says a patient needs a certain drug, then cover it. medicine is expensive. and its not like the insurance companies are running out of money. if a patient needs something-- anything--- to get better, what is the freaking harm in giving them that treatment?!

as you can tell, i am slightly angry with my insurance company at the moment...

but moving right along...

[in recent news]

i have been longing for new york, in the kind of way if i don't get there soon, i think i might just die. that's a little dramatic, but you get the point. when i am told to relax [by my minions of course], i picture myself in new york. listening to the sounds of the hectic city. weird thing to make me relax, but fact is, new york makes my heart beat faster. i love it.

secondly, i am feeling like i can accomplish things again. finally. whew. took a while to get that part of me back. but, it has returned full force. i would like to announce that one day i will have a photograph published. maybe soon [vote please!] maybe later. but i will. i would also like to announce that i have made two interesting friends, one in L.A and one in France. one is a director and photographer, and the other is an aspiring photographer and computer engineer. i stepped out of my comfort zone to get to know them and learn more about photography. as my nathan says, it is good to have contacts [and not just the kind for your eyes]. so, thanks for always giving me a push to get myself out there.

lastly, i will be able to enjoy the rest of the summer by sitting at home and relaxing. thank you st. george's kindergarten. i appreciate you having a school year calendar.

so, dear minions, that is all for now. i promise to post something of value in the near future. thank you, come again.

the [link] one more time. and while you vote, please make a favorite. thanks so much!

2008-06-23T22:58:00.002-05:00

thank you to everyone who made my birthday special! it was great!

this is quite a busy week for me, you can read about it here. i am looking forward to a vacation to gulf shores with the fam next week. yay for vacations!

have a great night, friends!

happy birthday, L!

music is your soulmate

2008-06-18T21:37:00.002-05:00

cutest commercial ever.

p.s i am gonna need to find one of those cute things. i gotta birthday on sunday ;-)

Lessons Learned; Part Uno

2008-06-12T07:16:00.003-05:00

over the past several months i feel like i have learned a lot about me and the relationships i have with the people around me. i feel like i have grown a lot over these past several months.

coming upon my birthday, i guess it is only natural for me to reflect back on the last year.

i have seen many changes including moving to nashville and several career changes. finally found a job i love. and a little friend named michael.

i have also seen some of my relationships for what they are. people close to me only needing me for things... and rarely needing me for, well me. i feel i have a lot to offer those relationships. and it has hurt realizing that, but i must take that knowledge and try to make it the best i can. i can be me. and i am starting to finally see that being me is ok. i may not feel "real" love from those people but that is all in learning where my real love does come from. Him and of course a 7 year old child that adores me... i think he really sees me for me. i love the innocent heart of a child that can love just for the sake of loving.

and there is much more... but it just so happens to be time for me to get ready. but you can expect the second half on a later day... that just so happens to be my birthday.

have a great day!

a little hole in my heart...

2008-06-04T20:43:00.002-05:00

this week has been the first week for me to work at st. george's without michael. he is not attending this week of summer camp, so it has been a preview for me as to what it may be like without him next year.

and it has been dreadfully boring. i have been bored. felt unfulfilled. and at times lonely. i knew he made my life special, i guess i just didn't realize just how much. thankfully for the next three weeks he will be at camp.

it really is amazing just how big of an impact a 7 year old has had on me. he has made my life great.

but... today at camp we had a lady come and show her animals to the children. of course, being the animal lover that i am, i was quite excited to see them as well. she let the children pet them and hold some of the animals. i even decided to be brave enough to pet a tarantula. it was surprisingly soft, as odd as that may sound...

so yes. that is all friends.

not for the faint at heart

2008-06-01T09:57:00.003-05:00

after living brown recluse free since october, this morning i met my sworn enemy.

i decided after a restless night sleep, what would be better than a nice shower to wake me. got in, washing my hair (la la te da) and then i glance over to the shower curtain and (dun dun dun) there is a vicious little creature staring right at me! my sworn enemy, you guessed it! the brown recluse. he stared me down with his fangs ready to attack! i screamed in horror feeling trapped inside the shower with the deadly spider. thinking fast, with shampoo dripping off my wet head, i bolted out of the shower, grabbed a towel of course, and ran to the kitchen. i grabbed my weapon of choice: lysol. i ran back to the chamber of death and sprayed my nemesis (die die DIE!). as he shriveled up in shock, i very hesitantly folded him in his coffin of tissue paper. i wanted to make sure he was dead, so i carefully opened the coffin and he wiggled about! (scream!) closed the coffin and smashed it with my fist. alas, he was dead.

nothing quite wakes you up in the morning like finding a deadly spider in the shower with you.

unfortunately in my short little life span, this would be the second time this has happened to me. i found one crawling on my towel as it was wrapped around me once. and even got bit by one. we definitely do not get along. and if there are any more, beware little spiders, you will die! (evil laugh!)

hope my horror story entertained you.

random late night thoughts...

2008-06-01T00:38:00.004-05:00

i cannot sleep.

i hate when i am trying to sleep and my mind is racing about 100 mph. over the past week, i have enjoyed a nice relaxing week off. i guess it is only natural that everything would creep back into place at about 1 am.

what am i thinking about you ask? all of a sudden i pictured myself at the wedding i have coming up. i was thinking about the possible lighting situations, places i should be shooting from, where i need my assistant to be, the flash situation, trying not to be distracting... you get the picture. i am not worried about the wedding. i am just a perfectionist. i want everything to be beyond perfect.

but moving along...

today i had to refer to my job as michael's assistant as being in the past. and i could have cried right then and there to a complete stranger. i was michael's assistant. and now, i am an assistant teacher. after a week of not seeing michael, i can tell you i am having michael withdraws. seriously. he's quite an amazing kid.

also, bye bye hair. today i got it cut. so, i won't be getting the old remark, "your hair is getting long" (by the way, thanks for stating the obvious fact that hair grows, my friends. kiss your brains!). i am sure i will get some disappointed looks with fake smiles. ha. but, i don't care. it is cool and cute... like me-- not! ha.

and. we got wii fit. who knew working out could be so much fun?!

hmm. betcha didn't care to know all of that did you?

ok. goodnight.

so. much. to. do.

2008-05-19T22:08:00.003-05:00

kind of an odd feeling when you realize you have tons of pictures of someone (in a non-creepy way of course) and they have like absolutely no pictures of you.

either you enjoy taking pictures way more or you are just not good enough to have a picture of...

but either way, i find it humorous. in the, i have way too many other things to be concerned about at the present moment than whether or not a person has an equal number of photos of me as i do of them, kind of way.

this week:

-last week of school

-family portraits to edit

-REVO pictures to finish editing (sorry, sorry, sorry!)

-bridal portraits to take

-purchase photo equip for upcoming project (taking pictures of cell phones for a company)

-starting that project

-need to find a summer job

-sick husband

-doctor's visits

-say goodbye to a precious child named michael :-(

-breathing.

*sigh*

a tale of two choices: the decision

2008-05-12T22:43:00.002-05:00

the day finally came where the burden of the choice was lifted off my shoulders. and as i felt relieved, i felt my heart grow heavy...

as i put michael in his car after school today, his mom said that my director would speak to my regarding the meeting she had with michael's future school. i was quite apprehensive, as i thought through different reasons why my director would be talking to me about it instead of his mom. my director and i walked through the hallway to her office and she told me, i would be staying at st. george's this next year. the family was not able to make the arrangements for next year that would have been most suitable for both me and michael. it would be too big of a risk for me to go with him.

whereas i am relieved to finally know what i will be doing, i am quite heart broken that i won't be able to see my special little buddy everyday. over the school year, michael has become more than just the child i assist, he has become my friend. i know it may seem silly to have a seven year old friend, but michael is amazing. he has taught me about loving unconditionally and about perseverance. i will miss all the hugs, laughter, joy, all the silly moments, and his love. even if i have to get on to him, he will just look at me and smile, and almost instantly forgive me. he still loves. and i hope that i have has as big of an impact on him that he has had on me.

i can only hope after the school year that i can maintain my friendship with my little buddy. i am going to miss him so much.

seis de mayo

2008-05-06T22:37:00.003-05:00

me- "how does it feel to be annoyed when you are doing something? well, don't bother me when i'm trying to go to sleep."

nathan- "you don't make money when you sleep."

rachael- "well, i make dreams!"

i feel pretty silly tonight. just thought i'd share.

nathan took me out for "seis de mayo". it was too crowded for cinco de mayo.

hope you are having a great night!

a tale of two choices

2008-04-24T14:51:00.004-05:00

the school year is almost over where i work. we are busy with school plays and other end of the year events. i can't believe it was just 8 months ago that we started. time has flown by and i have enjoyed every moment. i am still thankful for this job everyday. it is so nice to love going to work.

now, 8 months later, i am stuck in the middle of two great choices for next year. a decision that i am dreading to make. i can stay at my work and have a new position or i can go with michael to kindergarten as his private aide.

st. george's has truly been great to me. my director is the best boss i have ever had. she is a great leader and empowers her employees to be the best they can be. there is a relaxed environment due to the bar of excellence in place that people actually strive for. there are wonderful teachers there that have become my friends. it is the kind of school i always wanted to work at.

but we have michael. i adore michael more than i could ever begin to express to you. he has brought my heart great joy over the past 8 months. even when his behavior is not great i still love working with him. he, a 7 year old child, has become my best friend. he's my lil buddy. i love to see him grow socially and academically. sometimes i get discouraged, but then he just calls out "mrs. moore" in the most precious voice and comes running and gives me the biggest hug. his compliments to me are the best i have ever received. coming from him, i know they must be true. michael loves unconditionally and he encourages me to be like him. a heart so innocent and loving. he is great.

so, a choice between two of the things i love. each with new responsibilities and challenges, but also with great joy. so what do i do? i have no idea...

but i do know, that LOST is coming back on tonight. get excited! i know i am!!!

a new earth?

2008-04-20T13:59:00.002-05:00

so many of you probably have already heard about oprah's new "church" (as people call it). i have already seen quite a few facebook groups about stopping it and so on... and one even calling her the "anti-christ". youtube videos of course have been made, and i am sure there have been protest outside her studio.

i joined her website and decided to see these lessons for myself. i looked at the message boards to see people's favorite quotes from the book, like, "man made God in his own image". and upon doing further research, it would appear that oprah believes in a god, just not that Jesus is the only way among other solid Christian truths. *gasp* <-sarcasm

ok. so, oprah is not a christian. there are a lot of people in the media and average people that are not christians. american does not = christianity happy land... the land where christians frolic about merrily. america is spiritually starving like the rest of the world.

i don't think we should be so quick to get offended when people don't believe the same thing as we do. they believe that what their beliefs are true the same way we know what we believe is the Truth. our job is not to get our unders in a wad, but to pray. pray pray pray. and speak the truth gently.

in my opinion, by being offended and judgmental, we further put gaps between us and nonbelievers. i think it turns people away from christianity. Jesus' message was love. He went to those hurting, broken, lost and sinful people. He showed them unconditional love, kindness, gentleness, and the Truth. and as Christ followers that is our job too.

a woman's ways

2008-04-19T07:17:00.003-05:00

today i revisited proverbs 31:10-31. for most christian women, this is the type of woman we strive to be. i definitely think it is a good guideline to follow-- to be a woman for fears, loves and serves God.

i believe because of our culture most women stray away from being this type of woman. i think after being bombarded by movies and television about affairs, revenge, hatred, deceit, and promiscuity women begin to pick up those traits. isn't it easy to do? you see a girl get the super cute guy by luring him in despite the fact that he is with another girl. at the end of the day she gets what she wants. and that is what we want right? to have our way? a woman's ways can be deceitful and cunning with friendships, at work, in our relationships. we manipulate those around us to get our way. like the girl in the movie trying to win over a guy that is in a relationship... she can seem innocent--posing as a "friend"-- slowly reeling him in... and BAM, she has him right where she wants him.

have you ever seen "the last kiss"? the girl in the movie started out having an "innocent" conversation with michael. he probably didn't think much of it... just a friendly girl. but later he becomes more vulnerable and the girl has her opportunity. nevermind he is with someone else, she wanted him and she got him... if only for a short time. she still destroyed their relationship. trust was broken.

we each have a role in relationships, whether friends, girlfriend, or wife. we need to help guard our hearts and help the men guard their hearts and eyes. especially their eyes. we need to be aware of our clothing choices and our behavior. men are visual creatures and we NEED to respect that. as godly women we should be aware of satan's games. be aware of the boundaries of other people's relationships if you are single and if you are married. once you cross that boundary it is hard to get back over... it is hard to repair the damage made. there comes a point when it is no longer acceptable for a single woman to have private conversations with a married man. as well as a married woman to talk to single men. you have to be conscience of how this will affect your heart, the other person's heart, and their spouse if they are married. what are your intentions if you speak to a married person without their spouse's knowledge? we all know that is not healthy. you are not guarding your heart, theirs or the spouse's. if you were the unaware spouse you would feel betrayed and threatened. it is selfish to not consider these things.

"above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your eyes directly before you. make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. do not serve to the right or to the left; keep your foot from evil."... "charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised"

*edit* and for those of you that may think i'm just picking on the girls, i'm not. once i feel compelled there will probably be one about the men too. fact is we all fall short and we should strive to be much more than we are. my goal in writing this is to show what i see happening in attempts to spread the Truth about how God calls us to be.*

the bleeding heart.

2008-04-17T20:48:00.003-05:00

as humans, i believe we naturally pretend we have it all together. we are constantly trying to prove our security to others and ... falsely to ourselves. truth is, we aren't secure. we don't have it all together.

the truth is, we are hurting. we are wounded. we are broken.

as christians we are taught to help carry each others burdens. sadly, often times this does not happen. fear takes hold and we feel alone in our trials. speaking for myself, i imagine most people think i have it together for the most part. but, honestly, most the time i want to cry out and say "i am NOT ok". because, i am not. i am hurting. i am wounded. i need a friend. i need healing.

Jesus carries our burdens. and we, as christians, are supposed to be Christlike. and we SHOULD help carry our brothers and sisters burdens. we should be able to open up, pour out our hearts. and together find healing and freedom.

just some random thoughts from a hurting heart...

how are YOU?

2008-04-13T16:48:00.004-05:00

i love watching people interact with each other. sometimes i am quiet because i am observing. and i like that. in my observations, i have realized just how fake some people are. and unfortunately, most of the people i have been around and observed this behavior from are christians.

so, i am blunt. but, it is the truth.

and this is surprising to me. we are taught to be authentic and loving and to be like Christ, but yet somewhere along our journey we started skimming the surface. we never took that plunge into the deep waters.

i have been away from my hometown for a few months now. and it is always interesting to run into people from there. i love the awkward "how are you" conversations. the ones where you can tell that person doesn't really care to know. i would almost rather have them not ask instead of being fake about it. just be yourself. if you don't like me, fine. don't pretend to care.

in times like that i try to imagine what it was like to run into Jesus. [not trying to be cheesy here, keep following me] i can only imagine the look in His eyes when He would ask, "How are you?". It would truly be from His heart.

and isn't that how we should be? loving for the sake of loving? not loving because that person did something for you, or you did something for them. not because they drive a bmw or wear the cutest clothes. not because the prove to you how christian they are... but because of love. because God loved us first and we should in turn love Him and others. that same compassion you feel for the hurting children in Africa you should feel for the person standing next to you in the line at the gas station.

take a dive into the deep end, friends. it is refreshing.

truth and lies

2008-04-07T17:33:00.002-05:00

i have been thinking lately about how easy it is to believe lies. if we are honest, each of us believes some sort of lie. whether it be something about ourselves, others, our actions, or life.

satan has his way of finding that hole in your heart, doesn't he? you know, that void that you try to fill with so many useless things? he preys on our weaknesses. he knows when we are struggling with different trials and he knows when we are at our weakest points. and then he just steps right on up and starts whispering lies right into our hearts.

for me, i struggle deeply with insecurity. it takes me listening to one negative thought and i am believing lies. i believe i am not good enough, a failure... blah blah blah. that lie will take over my thoughts and it is hard to control it once it does. because lies can be powerful if you don't know how to use the right tools to fight them off. lies can have a stronghold, but truth can set you free.

i am sure most girls can understand those type of feelings... but i have compassion on our men. men have to deal with tremendous lies. lies about women and lust. and it angers me to see the strongholds satan can get on these men. reading different books, hearing different pastors and such, i believe this is a huge problem with christian men today. being visual creatures, they are bombarded with sexual images daily. i bet they get exhausted trying to bounce their eyes and thoughts from the constant messages about sex. i can't imagine how hard that must be for them. and it really really makes me mad how accessible porn is on the internet. can't you just see how easy it is for these men to start believing lies when it is so easy and everywhere they turn. a man maybe lonely... and here comes satan, knowing that void in his heart, and says, "its not that big of a deal, you are just looking, it is natural". sure, it's kinda like eating a sandwich, right? you are hungry so you eat. no harm in that. but, then next time you have to eat more and more and more, until eventually you are overweight and extremely unhealthy. that may have been a bad example, but you get my point. it is damaging. it is not natural. i don't believe that is something that God intended for a godly man. it is not pure. imagine what that will do down the road when that guy is married?! those images will be in his head. how unfair for his wife! imagine her insecurity. the truth about lies is that they are easy to believe because they make us feel better... they justify our selfish desires and separate us further from God and the truth that will set us free.

truth will set you free. speaking for myself, if i could try to imagine how much better my life would be if only i believed the truth about who i am in christ. i would be more confident... more ready for what God may have. but it is a hard road to stop believing lies. it is a constant choice. to say, "nope, that is a lie. i won't believe that". but in order to live the type of life God intended... one of freedom, we have to. we have to choose truth.

2008-04-06T19:40:00.002-05:00

whew. finally i have managed to catch a break... that will probably last just a few. lately, i have been busy with doctor's appointments, working, and trying to manage being a good wife and friend.

when you are married it is not always all sunshine and rainbows. and i can tell you that my husband would agree like 200%. trying to manage bills, payments, work, chores, blah blah blah, and still manage to be a pleasant husband or wife at the end of the day. it takes some major work.

a lot of young couples recently engaged or entering marriage sometimes have a false sense of what marriage is. and i was included in that group. i was quite naive. the fact is that in order to have a great marriage you have to fight for it. life has it's way of weighing us down. and you have to push through all those things and at the end of the day you have to chose to love your spouse and chose to continue to make your marriage great. nobody is perfect. and i can be the first to tell you i am soooo far from perfect. i have been through a lot--- been hurt and am currently in the process of healing. i am not the most pleasant person to be around probably like 95% of the time. haha. but, because of that i have to work harder than i ever have before because of that choice to make my marriage the very best it can be. and for me, my choice is easy to love my adoring husband, but i bet his choice is harder. but he does anyway, despite...well, despite me. it has been almost two years and we have been through a lot... and if life proves me right, there will be more trials and more joys along the way.

i am so in love with nathan. he truly has been wonderful to me and i am thankful that he is my best friend and husband. i am thankful for the trials and the joys. i am thankful God has helped us along the way and has made our marriage wonderful.

hope you all have a wonderful night!

what's moving you?

2008-02-21T18:58:00.003-06:00

as everyone gets home from the church event this weekend i can only imagine the spiritual high they must be on. a weekend full of God, worship, intense bible studies, a great speaker, and wonderful fellowship. the unbelievable power of God that filled up your heart and the hearts of others. but, ask yourself...

are you being moved by the event or by God?

as a christian, i think this is the question we need to keep in the front of our minds and hearts during christian events. i have been to christian events before where there was so much passion and emotion during the worship, the teachings and in the small groups. it really felt like God was moving. and I am sure He was. but, are you really being moved by Him? i have seen so many people leave school on friday afternoon as one person, show up at the event as another person, and go back to school on monday just the same as they were on friday. they kneeled down in prayer, cried out to God, raised their hands during worship... it would seem as though God had moved that person.

but i would like you to consider something. i believe it is so easy to get wrapped up in the emotion of a church event. isn't it? you hear a new speaker, you have an intense worship service, you see people crying, you have great prayers... but is it really life changing? i will say that most of the time it is not... i will go even further to say, usually people are not truly changed at events like that at all. the fact is it is only temporary. you are being moved by the event, not by God.

i do believe that God is present and moving... i believe that He can use those events to plant an idea in people's hearts about who He is and what it is all about. but i think the event is structurally flawed. it is made to be a place to get filled up and get a spiritual high lasting only as long as that weekend. we say we change... the leaders pray that we will... but it doesn't happen. it is temporary. the leaders and students create a place, teachings, and worship in order to change lives. it is based on emotions. and when it is based on emotions is it not a real heart change. a real heart change is life changing-- it happens when you change not based on how you are feeling or what others are feeling, but you change because of the overwhelming sense to be who God wants you to be and live a life that gives glory to Him. a heart change is not an experience. it is vital to who you are, who you are becoming, and who God is.

so as you return back to normal life this afternoon, ask yourself that question. reflect on what you have learned and apply it to your life. be careful not to allow Satan to get your emotions confused with a heart change. it can be a dangerous trap that robs God of the glory He deserves and does not allow you to have a full intimate relationship with Him.

open wide

2008-02-17T11:52:00.003-06:00

so as you are sitting in your pews at church today you will probably hear a message and nod along in agreement. because of the passion from the pastor and the agreeing nods of your friends, you too will believe in that message. you may even think you hear God speaking to you about it.

next wednesday while you are in your small group, youth group, college group, singles group... whatever, you will hear an opposing message. and then your mind will suddenly change. you will hear the passion in the speaker's voice and see your friends noding in agreement. you will believe in that message. you probably will hear God speaking to you about it even though it directly opposes what you just heard on Sunday.

ok. so your pastor says, let's question this. let's really take a look at where we are and what we are doing. however, speaker guy on wednesday says, no no. don't you judge that. it is not for you to judge.

so who is right? aren't they both leaders in the church? should you just be spoon fed a belief and go with it? and you believed the first one right? but now you believe the second opposing view? you, whoever you might be, confuse me.

i believe that God enables certain people to speak His truth. i also believe, that even in today's churches, there are some people that are not speaking the truth. they speak the truth according to them. they read a verse and interpret it differently than the way Jesus intended it to be taken. i do believe people are fooled in most churches. they take no time to really question what they are being taught. they take what the speaker is saying as the truth. it is so easy to be spoon fed ideas. it is so easy NOT to think for yourself. but as children of God we need to live, walk and breath the truth. otherwise we are just being empty vessels, playing church and playing the role of "Christian".

how do we expect the world to change if we never question anything? it is that different thought that changes the world.

Judge Jesus

2008-02-16T23:39:00.004-06:00

don't we all fall short of the glory of God?

i can hear you saying "yes, yes of course we do! we are all sinners!"

yes. we are.

but don't we tend to forget this when we see someone doing something that we think is wrong? we think, "i can't believe that person is doing that". of course, right. i mean, we would never do that! we are super christian with our bibles in our hands... quoting scripture... raising our hands during worship... attending church every sunday. no, no we would never ever do that. we are better than that.

see, the mentality here? see the problem? people like this fill the churches. this is what defines christianity. do you really think this was Jesus' mission? to make judgemental followers?

i know we are not perfect. i said that up there already if you haven't been paying attention. i know we cannot love like we are supposed to all the time. we mess up. we are human. and my husband once said "for one human to judge another human is to say that they are more human than you". and that is so very true. the fact is that we can only see someone's actions. we cannot see the heart. only Jesus can. only He can really see what is going on. only he knows a person's true feelings and motivations . so, please, let's leave the judging to Him.

a snow day... teacher style

2008-02-13T10:03:00.004-06:00

as i walked out to my car to leave this morning i was greeted with fluttering snow flakes and a snow covered road. i had been checking the snow closings religiously all morning and school was still not closed. as a teacher, i can say that we want a snow day just as much as the children do. a few minutes later when i called up to the school to tell them i would be late because my car was a block of ice i heard the wonderful news that school was closed! ahhh a snow day! i have enjoyed my traditional cup of snow day hot chocolate and plan to enjoy my day off. yay for finally getting some snow!

to be or not to be... a number

2008-02-09T22:35:00.000-06:00

tonight someone mentioned church memership. this person wanted to play in the worship band at a church and was told they had to become a member first.

church membership in general does not sit well with me. i don't agree with church membership. i don't think it is neccesary, nor do i think it is biblically founded. therefore, i don't think churches should have it. i don't see any benefits of having it.

a couple years ago i was regularly attented a local church in my area. i had be going for a couple years and was even a youth leader. this church pushed memebership quite frequently. when my husband and i were in the process of wedding planning and setting up our date they urged me to become a member. i thought my commitment to the church was obvious and did not feel the need to join. the process of becoming a member requires a lot of steps at that particular church. first you had to get baptized by submerssion if you had not been already. after that you had to take a new member orientation class. all to become a member. number one, i don't think being baptized should be associated with joining a church. that should be a personal decision and action out of you desire to follow God. number two, you should not have to go through all those steps to just be considered a member. what is a "member" anyway? is it just so the church has a number... like we have this many members look how big and christian we are? did we forget that the church is not a building? did we forget it is not about how many, it is about the relationship? so should we really encourage membership or should we encourage a relationship?

i really think there needs to be a major shift in the mindsets of many churches and their leaders. if you accept Jesus into your heart we are all members of the body of Christ. we don't need to focus on numbers, who is more christian or all the other silly things we get wrapped up in. these are things that keep us from having an intimate and wonderful relationship with God. and that is what it is all about.

lets get real

2008-02-06T23:09:00.000-06:00

i work at an episcopal church, though i am not part of that denomination. over the past few days i have heard much talk about lent. i had people asking me if i was going to be fasting and heard others talk about what they were giving up for lent.

all this just baffles me really. the whold ritual of putting ashes on your forehead and fasting and giving up something for lent. i don't agree with it. i know a lot of people find comfort in such rituals, but i think this is the same type of thing Jesus talked against in the Bible. Matthew 6: 16-18 clearly says, "And whenever you fast, do not look dismal, like the hypocrites. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that your fasting may be seen not by others but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you." by putting a black ash on your forehead and talking about what you are giving up and how it will be hard is not keeping it in secret. it is saying, "look how Christian i am". and that is NOT being authentic.

why do that on that certian day anyway? because some random church leader back in the day said so? did Jesus say "40 days before Easter you MUST put ashes on your head and give up something to show me you are sorry for your sins". no. nowhere in the Bible does Jesus say anything like that. i understand if someone really feels like God is wanting them to fast or give up something and doing that. i say that is wonderful. definitely listen to God and follow His commands. but don't just do it because the church tells you do, because some leader says so. why do people just accept these things? why is there no questioning about all the ritualistic crap going on in the church? where is the authenticity? do people really thing God wants them do something because some church leader told them so? i think God wants His people to listen to HIS words, and not someone elses. so many times Jesus spoke against things just like this and people can't step outside their box for a second to see they are just like that.

i wish that people would just let their passion for God and His glory lead their lives. i wish people wouldn't get so wrapped up in the rituals. i wish people could just be authentic in their faith. people need to stop playing church. so many pews are filled with empty hearts.. so many prayers full of empty words... and the worship is just a mindless action. worship is all the time- it should be a response to how unbelievably Glorious God is. and we should all try to live our lives as an out pouring of that. it is so not about us. it is truly all about Him. and we really need to start living that way.

big mean snowbird

2008-02-04T15:14:00.001-06:00

those of you that grew up in tennessee probably remember watching the snowbird report on those rare snowy days. i remember i would get so excited to hear the music and watch the snowbird report and i would hope for a snow day. i found out a few weeks ago that snowbird was coming to the school that i teach at. i was so excited. i have been telling everyone i was going to get my picture taken with him. i made sure to bring my camera today. i was ready! as i was walking in the child i assist this morning i saw the man that was going to be snowbird. he was standing there with this huge bag that pretty much looked like a body bag. being the excited child i am, i said in passing, "looks like snowbird is here!". he turned and looked at me and said, "why would you do that?" with this horribly rude tone. i was shocked. i did not say that to call him out or anything. i was just very excited snowbird was there. i tried to laugh it off, but was pretty mad and hurt. i went to the classroom and was no longer excited to see snowbird to say the least.

i was so bummed that my experience was ruined by some crabby guy. he even was rude to my during our class photo with him. he had heard my name and said to the other teacher in his high pitched snowbird voice, "that rachael seems like trouble to me". i was crushed. my dream to see snowbird turned into a nightmare. i couldn't believe he could be so rude. i was just so excited to see him...

oh well... such is life i suppose.

oh you know...

2008-02-01T22:40:00.000-06:00

it is late. i am tired. and i am annoyed.

number one annoyance of the night: people that like things because everyone else does. gah. i freaking hate that. be your own freakin' person. seriously. don't start liking an artist, style or LOST because all the cool kids do. especially LOST which is probably far beyond your understanding...

number two: stupid people. get some common sense.

number three: people who are fake and lie. once again, be yourself. trust me, when you walk into starbucks nobody cares if you are wearing the latest fashions or hang with the cool kids. in case you haven't noticed the world does not revolve around you. and don't lie to get attention. people will think you are crazy. which you are.

number four: tennessee being in a bubble that does not allow snow. i would greatly appreciate a snow day. thank you.

i must seem very bitter, but i am not. stupid people just annoy me sometimes.

but on a much lighter note, michael drew a smiley face yesterday! i cannot even begin to express the joy that is in heart! i am just bursting with pride. up until this point i have only seen him scribble. yesterday he drew a circle, then two eyes and a mouth. i excitedly asked if that was a smiley face and he got the biggest smile on his face! he told me to close my eyes and he continued to draw two legs. perfect!!! i was so thrilled. and today he drew some more, and even made it into a picture. he drew two of them, one being him and the other one his friend! this is so huge! and i am so happy to be a part of his growing process! what a blessing i have recieved to work with this child. he is a pure joy!

well, i hope you at least enjoyed the later part of post. have a wonderful night!

church.

2008-01-17T22:01:00.000-06:00

ever since nathan and i decided to search for a new church we frequently get asked, told , informed etc. about how we need to go back to church. all for different reasons-- fellowship, growth, or just you should go because that is what christians do....

now, i am a christian. and i am very passionate about what i believe and about God. i am blessed far beyond what i deserve. but, i am not one of those christians that will just sit in a high chair and get spoon fed and accept it. i feel like as christians, we should not become complacent in our relationship with God or in our churches. too many people just accept things for just being mediocre and never strive for anything better. they never look outside their box and question. they speak of not wanting to be like the pharisees but yet they are almost mirror images of them. these people cannot think for themselves, they get fed an idea and go with it. i think authenticity is lacking in most of the churches today. and even the word 'church' comes with soooo much preconceived ideas. structure. rituals. rules. judgement. it is stagnant. and even just being a 'christian' comes along with a checklist of preconceived ideas. carries a bible: check. talks about the bible all the time: check. sings and raises hands during worship: check. goes to church camp: check. quotes scripture on social networking sites in status: check. prays using the following words; Lord, Almighty, Kingdom, Bless, Mighty: check. and so on. it is ridiculous. how is that being authentic? how is that NOT being lukewarm? you know, to be honest, part of me doesn't want to go back to a church like this because i don't want to be like a sheep and fall into this dangerous pattern. i love being able to really search for the truth about who God is and how He wants me to live my life. i don't want to be tied down by all the religious stuff that comes along with being a christian. i want to be a Christ follower. and i am not trying to say i have all the answers because i definitely do not. i am still learning everyday and realizing everyday how very insignificant i am. it truly is not about us at all. and i think most of the time church isn't for God, but for us. and i think that is where it has all gone wrong.

questioning is what brings change. and i think it is time for a change in the church.

1,2,3 BANG

2008-01-10T15:39:00.001-06:00

last night i was browsing craigslist as i often do. i like to see what other photographers are doing and browse to see if there are any good gigs.... oh, and maybe look to see if there are any exceptionally adorably animals....

well, i stumbled across this one posting by photographer. the last line read, "i look forward to shooting you".

i certainly am NOT looking forward to that.

january memories

2008-01-09T18:20:00.001-06:00

four years. wow. thankfully, along the way it has gotten easier. but i never forget.

and on this day, i like to go there. take a rose. and stand. and think. remember. that was taken away from me today. and for that i am bitter. stupid lady that likes to take advantage of my kindness. stupid smyrna for being so far away.

on a less depressing note, i have been doing a lot of thinking lately. about life and such- the usual. though, i suppose my thoughts actually may not be that much less depressing... they are productive i guess...

i wish some people had more self control. and respect. and love. somethings are not easy. somethings are worth fighting for. worth waiting for. people, especially those that you care deeply about deserve that deep love and respect. they deserve to be cherished. and some of those people's actions show complete disrespect among other hurtful things.

and i think it is stupid when people assume because you are married, that you would not wish to go out and have fun... like for say at a party or whatever. yeah, i may not like to drink... but i still like to have fun. so, i am a 20 something that just so happens to be married. but i am still a 20 something girl that likes to have fun.

i wish i could stand up for myself. be bold. not get taken advantage of. if i could do that... i would be in smyrna now. oh well....

wow, what a bunch of negatives. i promise more positives next time, friends (or friend, or computer. i don't even know if anyone reads this...)

big steps

2008-01-07T22:01:00.000-06:00

so my neighbor has loud dogs and a loud friend. not cool. this makes my normally quiet dog bark. and is not cool for my attepmt to have a quiet night...

enough complaining...

today i took a really big step for me. it is something i have been wanting to do for a while and for different reasons have not been able until now. i am excited and nervous all at the same time. however, i definitely think this will be wonderful for me. it is something i have needed to do forever.

so here's to a positive change in my life!!!

weddings, showers, and murfreesboro

2008-01-05T22:45:00.000-06:00

mufreesboro finally got cool the second we left it. stupid murfreesboro. you have an olive garden (FINALLY!), a new mall that actually looks nice, a petco (where the pets go of course) AND crappy old symrna has a freakin' super target. seriously. i live in nashville and there is no super target to be found. i would go to you, super target. but you went to symrna. unwise choice i say.

but as much as i hate murfreesboro, i secretly love it. it is that sneeky little charm if you remember right...

i think it is interesting how people change. people who used to be mean are now nice and those that you thought you could rely on seem to always be absent. i think it is interesting the type of lives people choose to live. how some choose to walk away from those that are loyal and others realize the blessing they have those type of friends.

i think it is even more interesting how a lot of this stems from one's own insecurities within themselves. they attach themselves to others to feel more secure. and then there are those people that are overly secure but are actually extrememly insecure.

i wish we could all just be ourselves and be comfortable with that. i am speaking for myself as well...

i feel like i have so much more to say... but will refrain. i will be back in stupid murfreesboro again tomorrow. i think it is saying to me, 'you shouldn't have moved, sucka'. apparently it has a thuggish side now...

grocery store check outs and life

2007-12-29T10:55:00.000-06:00

i went to the store this morning to pick up a few items. i was finishing my transaction and the machine asked me, like they do, if the amount was ok. what i really want to say is, 'no', the amount is not ok, i would rather be spending less, thank you.

but on another note 2007 is quickly winding down. this year has really flown by... as i get older the years seem to go faster and faster. i have a feeling i will blink twice and be 40.

this year has been a life changing year for me. a lot has happened. i have been pulled and stretched and grown a lot. this year started with a tragedy and is ending quite well.

i have experienced a few losses this year. with on the very first day being the tragic loss of my cousin, katie. then proceed a few weeks later by my half sister's grandmother. and then just a few months later the house fire which claimed a lot of our possessions.

i have been through 5 jobs this year. five. wow. all of which, i believe, lead me to the wonderful job i have now. i experienced the hardest job i have ever had and now the best i have ever had. the nursing home taught me about strength and compassion. it was a choice everyday to continue on and not give up. i worked hard to get my certification. i did stuff i never thought i would and worked harder than i ever have. i saw glimpse of youth in the old faces and i saw death. it was not only physically demanding but extremely emotionally demanding as well. part of my heart still lingers with those wonderful ladies and men. they touched my life and i can only hope i touched their lives in the same way.

now, i have this amazing job. the child i assist brings me so much joy. i knew God would provide for me and he definitely did. i am very thankful to be working where i am.

my important friendships have seen some changes. actually starting at the very start of the year, with the first ever argument with a close friend- to today with the friendship struggling to stay alive. change is make or break i am realizing. moving to nashville has been fun, but has put a strain on a friendship dear to me. though that may not be as strong, i have grown closer to my sister-in-law and have made a few close acquaintances at work.

i believe this year has been a huge growing year for me emotionally. i have strived to be more confident, positive, and, well, more me. i think somewhere along the way from my senior of high school until now, i have lost me. i am rediscovering myself. because i once was more confident, positive and happy. and i want that back in my life.

i am looking forward to this next year. i am hoping to continue to grow. i am looking forward to seeing what i will be doing after michael leaves st. georges. i am looking forward to seeing my photography talents expand. i am looking forward to growing closer to God. i am looking forward to new friendships or renewing old ones. i am looking forward to life.

so, happy new year's friends. may it be wonderful for you.

2007-12-20T19:32:00.000-06:00

i am remembering...

and it hurts. i miss her. it has almost been a year....

letting go and eva jean

2007-12-17T23:41:00.000-06:00

for many years now i have wished for a best friend that i could have for years and years.

let me tell you a story about a friendship like that. when my grandma was in high school she had a friend named eva jean. they were best friends through high school and after graduation moved to flordia together. in flordia they met two men and got married. turns out this was the man of eva jeans dreams because they stayed married for the rest of their lives. my grandma on the other hand was not quite satisfied and moved back home. it was here she met a handsome army man and of course fell in love. my grandma moved up to new york with her new husband and started a family. eva jean visited her in new york. she was still involved with my grandma's life even though they did not live in the same state. still best friends. my grandma and grandpa moved back to tennessee. and eva jean and her husband were also here. so over the years there were children born and different life events. and they still remained best friends. just last week eva jean passed away. my grandma and her remained friends up until that very day.

i want a friend like that.

in my life i have had friendships that only last for a short season. wonderful friendships. the deep and meaningful kind. and recently one of my dearest friendships has faced many trials. i felt led to let go a little, for i have the tendency of holding on too tight. i think one of the hardest things is to let go.

i had to let go of this friendship. put it in her hands. over the last few weeks i have taken a very hands off approach in order to fix somethings. and am facing the fact that sometimes things don't work out. and it hurts... all the memories... it is fading away i am afraid.

and yet, i must remain confident. i must keep my faith that whatever is supposed to happen will and it will be for the best... even if that means losing my bestest.

and maybe she will be my eva jean. or maybe not. and i have to be ok with whatever the outcome will be. and whatever the outcome may be, God will always be my eva jean. and for that, i am thankful.

joy to the world

2007-12-14T23:18:00.000-06:00

the child i assist is a wonderful child. he brings more joy to my heart than i could even express.

today was the christams pageant. we have been practing very hard for weeks for this day. every child arrived dressed in their costumes and a smile on their face. michael was given a special part. he was a walking shepherd along with another child in our class. every practice this child graciously took michael's hand and led him to the stage up the long isle. michael was very excited to have this part. he exclaimed daily "we're going to the big church and all of Belle Meade is coming"!

today michael arrived in his shepherd costume looking exceptionally adorable. he smiled his precious smild and his little eyes squinted tight. he was excited the day arrived where he would "go to the big church". we took pictures and played and 9:40 finally arrived. we all anxiously headed towards "the big church". the music finally started and we walked in and sat in our special seat. michael waited for his cue to walk down the isle for his special moment. he spotted his mom and sister. when he saw his little sister his face lit up; he was proud she was there to watch him.

the shepherd song began to play and michael hesitantly walked to get in line with the shepherds. his friend tried to take his hand but michael refused and began walking alone. i hurried up the side to meet him in the front hoping he would make it up there. when i got to the front i was disappointed to see that he did not make it up there. my heart sank as i saw his mom carry him up the isle. michael has seen her friend wave and he sat down in the middle of the isle and cried. we sat on the floor in the front and watched the others sing. his mom went back to her seat and i sat with him. the last song, "joy to the world" was begining to play. over the previous weeks michael would sing this song as loud as he could. i looked over at him and asked if he wanted to go sing. he said "yes" with a smile and was up instantly and went to his spot and sang with all his heart. i was so proud of him. when it was over his friend took his hand and guided him out.

i met michael in the hall and he looked so proud. we sang "joy to the world" as loud as we could down the hall. he did it!

his parents greet him in the hall with big hugs and lots of kisses. they said "you did it, michael! you did it buddy!" and he gave an encore of "joy to the world".

my heart was humbled greatly in that moment. i realized in that moment it was ok michael did not do it perfect. i was worried they may be disspointed, but they are just thankful that he can get up there and sing. they are thankful for every little thing michael does. his steps maybe small and unsteady, but they are steps. God made no mistakes when making michael. i think God made a masterpiece when making him. he is wonderfully special. and a joy to this world.

mememe

2007-11-26T22:54:00.001-06:00

i post bulletins. i update my status. i leave certain things in my newsfeed on facebook. i post links to my photography.

seems kinda self-centered.

i read all these bulletins about my friends. i read their status updates. i read the information in some of my friends newsfeeds. i look at their links.

what is it about sharing so much information about ourselves? are we really that interested in ourselves? do we really think people are that interested in knowing that much about us?

i am quite perplexed about this.

i, for one, have quite a low self esteem. does this mean i am wanting people to be interested in me? and those that are confident, are they self centered? or just faking confidence and really just insecure? or do we just like sharing information out of boredom or because someone else did?

maybe it all does come down to trying to prove we are secure in an utterly insecure world.

still perplexed.

thankful.

2007-11-21T11:12:00.000-06:00

i feel like i am standing on the brink of a new me. and i kinda like that.

i have also realized my best friend is also my husband.

i am also realizing that i will be 22 in about 7 months. i know it is far off but is also too close. i don't want to be 22. if i could skip this age i would. i will be waiting for 23. which seems to be better than 22. at least for me.

i really feel like taking pictures today. and i cannot wait to decorate for christmas.

i am thankful for: my best friend. sophia and her joyful nature. fall. and photography. creative minds. beauty. chocolate milk. my many thoughts. my family. God. new york city. scarfs. warm sweaters. cookies. change. penguins. the stars and how small they make me feel. the wind in my hair. crunchy leafs. pink lemonade. and life. and much much more.

that is all.

Change.

2007-10-31T14:49:00.001-05:00

I never thought moving an hour away from home would have such an affect on something so dear to me. 42.8 miles. About 51 minutes. That is all. Nothing too unreasonable. Just a little drive. And only a phone call or message away.

I am realizing though, that maybe what I held so dear was not valued the same way. Maybe not now, and maybe never. Maybe I fooled myself into believing it mattered. I feel so broken hearted.

My mind is wandering, skimming through the past looking for something that may have caused this. I have found nothing.

It is hard. I feel like I am a good friend. But now, as I stand here alone, without the one person I considered my best, I am left to wonder if I am.

I honestly feel like my heart has been ripped out.

on the bright side, I still have little Sophia and chocolate milk, which has comforted me many of times.

nashville

2007-10-28T00:20:00.000-05:00

i have been in nashville for exactly one week today.

already, within one week, i have had some serious realizations.

1.) dogs find the darnest things to eat. some that are very deadly.

2.) the vet clinic down the road is aweful.

3.) what you hope to happen and what will most likely happen are two completely different things.

4.) distance sometimes is make or break.

4a.) in this case, i am afraid it will be break.

5.) and that. well, that is something hard to realize.

pumpkins=smiles

2007-10-13T12:17:00.000-05:00

this past week: emotional times like 100.

right now: i want some pumpkins and mums.

i like fall. a lot. and i like to decorate accordingly. i really want to go to a pumpkin patch and find the perfect pumpkin and then some.

moving a week from today. whoa.

scared? i believe so.

that is all.

from half full to half empty in 2.5 seconds...

2007-10-05T22:22:00.000-05:00

the chronicles of a girl.

life for me has been lonely lately. not to be all emo and what not, but it has. being 21 and married can be utterly lonely.

i love my job. this is a first in a long time. i feel like for the past year i have been on a never-ending search for a job that i enjoy. it was a vicious cycle really. i would get a new job, enjoy it for like 2 weeks and then be miserable. and when 8 hours of your day is miserable, life is pretty miserable too. i said, 'life is too short to be miserable', so i would start my search yet again for a new job. and 6 jobs (no joke) later, i find myself at one that i don't want to let go of. finally light at the end of the tunnel. and suddenly life is pretty great.

however, there is always something, isn't there? of course. this is life. well, this is my life. and... i don't know what it is. i can never seem to fully come up. i can never see cleary that the class is indeed half full. something inside is screaming 'no, no, NO! it is most definitely half empty, just take a look around'. and then it starts. again. sad. check. insecure. check. worried. check. stressed. check. lonely. check. you get the picture.

so what can i do to shake this? i don't know. maybe tomorrow the glass will be half full.

2007-09-23T16:24:00.000-05:00

somedays i feel invisible.

somewhere over the rainbow

2007-09-07T17:39:00.000-05:00

for the longest time now i have been wanting to get away... to move to nyc or even across the country. my goal: get out of murfreesboro.

my job is in belle meade. i now have to travel about an hour or more every day. and now nathan is sharing an office in brentwood. we are now at a point where we will need to move closer to nashville.

i have found myself thinking about all the things i will miss about murfreesboro. i have lived here for about 13 years. i know my way around... i have formed relationships... i have memories. i am comfortable. murfreesboro is a strange little town... you never know if it is too big or too small... it has a little charm that sneeks up on you. have you ever heard "don't go into dave's market" thing? where if you go in you will be destined to return to murfreesboro or stay in murfreesboro for the rest of your life. i went in one day, not knowing this. and i said i will NOT stay in murfreesboro, nor will i return when i leave. but now i find myself wanting to stay... or wanting to move back eventually. darn you murfreesboro and your sneeky charm. me and murfreesboro, we have a love/hate thing going on. like dorothy, i am realizing maybe there is no place like home.

so next month we will be moving closer to nashville. i am hoping to embrace this change. i think it will prove to be an exciting and good growth opportunity. and if i do miss it... it is only a short drive away :-)

create

2007-08-27T18:10:00.000-05:00

i had fun. i am looking forward to what is ahead.

da bomb

2007-08-24T20:09:00.000-05:00

for the past few days i have been experiencing nashville traffic. i drive to belle meade during morning rush hour. thankfully, in the afternoon i miss all the traffic. but as i sit in my car patiently (or not so patiently sometimes) i can't help but notice some similarities...

people are slow and relatively stupid. moooooooo

for the first three days of this week i spent about 5 lovely hours at the doctor.

they attached a bomb to me. knowing the world was in eminent doom, jack baur came to the rescue. within 24 hours the bomb was destroyed. however, they can not seem to retrive any data off of the memory card... all maybe repeated.

and on another note... 107.5 had the backstreet boys on the other morning. they played an old song, and i was feeling a little bored and mildly tired. i so desired to dance in my car. however, i figured sitting in rush hour traffic and dancing alone might not be a good combination. then i thought it would be nice to have someone in the car to dance with me... but then i would be in the HOV lane and not have to worry about traffic. and that would be nice. and better than dancing to a 90's boy band.

the wedding is tomorrow. i am scared to freaking death. i am excited. oh, i surely hope everything will go smoothly. so here's to hoping for beautiful photographs. and not tripping or something...

i love the rain the most

2007-08-19T20:26:00.000-05:00

i can hear the rain pouring down outside. and i am glad.

i am currently baking chocolate chip cookies. i have been doing a lot of baking lately. i like to cook, but have not really been much of a baker. so, i am not really sure why the sudden urge to bake.

in less than a week i shoot my first wedding. i am terrified. and excited. all in one emotionally crazy mess.

i am also starting my new job this week. which adds to the pressure and stress.

but, i am glad it is raining. that i do know.

bubble bubble bubble POP!!!

2007-08-17T17:32:00.000-05:00

i'm not a fan of my favorite music becoming mainstream.

there is a mainstream bubble and i do not like to be a part of it.

but everyone in the mainstream bubble likes to take in whatever they are spoon fed. and recently that has been my uber cool music that i have been listening to for a while. and alternative type of clothing. and so on.

i find this annoying. people that just like something because it is "cool".... be a freaking individual. goodness. i want to take a pin and pop their stupid bubble.

that is all.

approaching the goal day by day

2007-08-12T22:59:00.000-05:00

i just purchased a lot of camera equipment. i am very excited! i cannot wait for it to get here so i can play!

in other exciting news, i have a new job. i will be an educational assistant to a special needs child. my hours are wonderful. i will be getting off at 2:00, which leaves plenty of time for my photography!!! whoo hoo!

and speaking of photography... i have my first wedding to shoot in about 2 weeks! ahhhh! i am so incredibly scared and excited. i just hope everything goes smoothly... very smoothly.

that is all! goodnight, friends.

please don't make her cackle

2007-08-04T22:30:00.000-05:00

so lately a lot of people have been telling me that my hair is getting long.

yes. yes it is.

hair has the tendency to grow.

eh.

2007-08-04T12:50:00.000-05:00

i hate being late. i really do. i had a meeting in franklin at 10:30 this morning. i left an hour early, and it only takes about 40 minutes to get there... and then i hit traffic. and lots of it. i watched as the time got closer and closer to the meeting time. and i was LATE. that's right. capital late, and it should be in a 72 point font as well. but that would just mess up the flow...

i hated it. urg.

while waiting in traffic, i did see something rather funny. there was this little motocycle guy... one of those honda riding, tats on the arms, motocycle guy. i looked over at him... and on the top of his helmet was his lil jet black mohawk sticking out of it. no joke. i do believe it was one of those helmets with a fake mohawk attached on. i mean come on, how cool is that? almost as cool as a star wars or star trek convention. almost.

i say, fake hair coming out of an article of clothing or something on your head is never a good idea. you will look like a fool. period.

i've been simpsonized!

2007-07-31T23:04:00.000-05:00

this is a lot of fun... if you get it to work. i tried quite a few times before it worked. and when it finally did, it went pretty smoothly. i do not think they do anything with your picture, though. you costumize yourself. i felt like i was making a mii, which is loads of fun to do.

so go try it.

http://simpsonizeme.com/

the oreo rule

2007-07-31T12:38:00.000-05:00

oreos are yummy. they are quite great.

they are not good, however, to eat on your first day at a new job.

this would not be a wise choice.

others may think you have poor personal hygiene if you were to open your mouth wide.

i say, eat oreos at home. or in the presence of those that you will be spending time with. this keeps you in the clear.

or better yet, don't open your mouth wide... and brush your teeth.

that is all.

he's the best

2007-07-30T19:36:00.000-05:00

friendship scales and such

2007-07-29T20:34:00.000-05:00

as you get older your friendships become quite interesting... or should i say, friendships get quite intersting once you get married. actually, they become nonexistent.

this is a fact of life. seriously. don't be naive, dear friends.

if you will be honest, it starts when your relationship with your significant other becomes serious. your friends assume (which we all know what that leads to...) that you would rather hang out with your girlfriend or boyfriend. however, they still invite you guys along. life is still about a 8 (out of 10) in the life of friendships. but then, once you get engaged, you move to a different level. your friends assume you will be busy planning or wanting to spend time with your fiance. and yes, you have a new sense of responsibility and maturity, but lets be real... we all need a friend. so on the friendship scale it is about a 5 or 6. and it keeps going down until the day you get married. and then you are on a different planet it seems. your friends assume you would rather be spending time with your hubby or wife. which is all good, but again, it is good to have friends. on the scale it is about a 2 or 3. seriously. only being 21 and married, i have managed to keep one close friend. and we rarely spend time together. my interests have changed, i will admit. i no longer desire to talk about cute boys and such, i have my own thank you. but, i still love to dance, have good conversation, have fun, and just hang out. i don't have cooties. i am just married.

i can only imagine what it is like for those who have children...

i guess it is a cycle that continues on. maybe your only friend is supposed to be your significant other and your children. ha.

i should put out a personal ad. that says,
'married couple seeks friends:
if you don't like pina coladas and you like to play the wii,
if you're not into rap, and have a whole brain,
if you don't like staying up to midnight,
we're the friends that you have searched for, meet us and we can play... the wii.'

new horizons and perspectives

2007-07-29T16:31:00.000-05:00

for the first time in a long time, i had a good day at work. i felt a burst of confidence from my out-of-character outburst towards a nurse thurday morning. i stood up for myself. and it felt good. i may not have been my normal polite self, but it felt kinda good. i laughed. a lot. and it was fun. i am thinking i may just miss this job. that is something i never thought possible. i even teared up saying bye to the residents i became close to. but it was a season, and i start my new job on tuesday.

i feel i owe this all to making a choice. making an effort everyday to be postive. i am realizing i am finding happiness in places i never knew i could. i am realizing that all these little stepping stones will one day definitely lead me to where i want to be. and that makes my heart glad.

lately, with each new day, i am learning more about myself. i feel as though i am finally stepping outside the circle i was wandering aimlessy around, and am finally going down my own path. life really can be quite great. it is all on how you look at it.