i am remembering...

and it hurts. i miss her. it has almost been a year....

letting go and eva jean

for many years now i have wished for a best friend that i could have for years and years.

let me tell you a story about a friendship like that. when my grandma was in high school she had a friend named eva jean. they were best friends through high school and after graduation moved to flordia together. in flordia they met two men and got married. turns out this was the man of eva jeans dreams because they stayed married for the rest of their lives. my grandma on the other hand was not quite satisfied and moved back home. it was here she met a handsome army man and of course fell in love. my grandma moved up to new york with her new husband and started a family. eva jean visited her in new york. she was still involved with my grandma's life even though they did not live in the same state. still best friends. my grandma and grandpa moved back to tennessee. and eva jean and her husband were also here. so over the years there were children born and different life events. and they still remained best friends. just last week eva jean passed away. my grandma and her remained friends up until that very day.

i want a friend like that.

in my life i have had friendships that only last for a short season. wonderful friendships. the deep and meaningful kind. and recently one of my dearest friendships has faced many trials. i felt led to let go a little, for i have the tendency of holding on too tight. i think one of the hardest things is to let go.

i had to let go of this friendship. put it in her hands. over the last few weeks i have taken a very hands off approach in order to fix somethings. and am facing the fact that sometimes things don't work out. and it hurts... all the memories... it is fading away i am afraid.

and yet, i must remain confident. i must keep my faith that whatever is supposed to happen will and it will be for the best... even if that means losing my bestest.

and maybe she will be my eva jean. or maybe not. and i have to be ok with whatever the outcome will be. and whatever the outcome may be, God will always be my eva jean. and for that, i am thankful.

joy to the world

the child i assist is a wonderful child. he brings more joy to my heart than i could even express.

today was the christams pageant. we have been practing very hard for weeks for this day. every child arrived dressed in their costumes and a smile on their face. michael was given a special part. he was a walking shepherd along with another child in our class. every practice this child graciously took michael's hand and led him to the stage up the long isle. michael was very excited to have this part. he exclaimed daily "we're going to the big church and all of Belle Meade is coming"!

today michael arrived in his shepherd costume looking exceptionally adorable. he smiled his precious smild and his little eyes squinted tight. he was excited the day arrived where he would "go to the big church". we took pictures and played and 9:40 finally arrived. we all anxiously headed towards "the big church". the music finally started and we walked in and sat in our special seat. michael waited for his cue to walk down the isle for his special moment. he spotted his mom and sister. when he saw his little sister his face lit up; he was proud she was there to watch him.

the shepherd song began to play and michael hesitantly walked to get in line with the shepherds. his friend tried to take his hand but michael refused and began walking alone. i hurried up the side to meet him in the front hoping he would make it up there. when i got to the front i was disappointed to see that he did not make it up there. my heart sank as i saw his mom carry him up the isle. michael has seen her friend wave and he sat down in the middle of the isle and cried. we sat on the floor in the front and watched the others sing. his mom went back to her seat and i sat with him. the last song, "joy to the world" was begining to play. over the previous weeks michael would sing this song as loud as he could. i looked over at him and asked if he wanted to go sing. he said "yes" with a smile and was up instantly and went to his spot and sang with all his heart. i was so proud of him. when it was over his friend took his hand and guided him out.

i met michael in the hall and he looked so proud. we sang "joy to the world" as loud as we could down the hall. he did it!

his parents greet him in the hall with big hugs and lots of kisses. they said "you did it, michael! you did it buddy!" and he gave an encore of "joy to the world".

my heart was humbled greatly in that moment. i realized in that moment it was ok michael did not do it perfect. i was worried they may be disspointed, but they are just thankful that he can get up there and sing. they are thankful for every little thing michael does. his steps maybe small and unsteady, but they are steps. God made no mistakes when making michael. i think God made a masterpiece when making him. he is wonderfully special. and a joy to this world.

mememe

i post bulletins. i update my status. i leave certain things in my newsfeed on facebook. i post links to my photography.

seems kinda self-centered.

i read all these bulletins about my friends. i read their status updates. i read the information in some of my friends newsfeeds. i look at their links.

what is it about sharing so much information about ourselves? are we really that interested in ourselves? do we really think people are that interested in knowing that much about us?

i am quite perplexed about this.

i, for one, have quite a low self esteem. does this mean i am wanting people to be interested in me? and those that are confident, are they self centered? or just faking confidence and really just insecure? or do we just like sharing information out of boredom or because someone else did?

maybe it all does come down to trying to prove we are secure in an utterly insecure world.

still perplexed.

thankful.

i feel like i am standing on the brink of a new me. and i kinda like that.

i have also realized my best friend is also my husband.

i am also realizing that i will be 22 in about 7 months. i know it is far off but is also too close. i don't want to be 22. if i could skip this age i would. i will be waiting for 23. which seems to be better than 22. at least for me.

i really feel like taking pictures today. and i cannot wait to decorate for christmas.

i am thankful for: my best friend. sophia and her joyful nature. fall. and photography. creative minds. beauty. chocolate milk. my many thoughts. my family. God. new york city. scarfs. warm sweaters. cookies. change. penguins. the stars and how small they make me feel. the wind in my hair. crunchy leafs. pink lemonade. and life. and much much more.

that is all.