i went to the store this morning to pick up a few items. i was finishing my transaction and the machine asked me, like they do, if the amount was ok. what i really want to say is, 'no', the amount is not ok, i would rather be spending less, thank you.
but on another note 2007 is quickly winding down. this year has really flown by... as i get older the years seem to go faster and faster. i have a feeling i will blink twice and be 40.
this year has been a life changing year for me. a lot has happened. i have been pulled and stretched and grown a lot. this year started with a tragedy and is ending quite well.
i have experienced a few losses this year. with on the very first day being the tragic loss of my cousin, katie. then proceed a few weeks later by my half sister's grandmother. and then just a few months later the house fire which claimed a lot of our possessions.
i have been through 5 jobs this year. five. wow. all of which, i believe, lead me to the wonderful job i have now. i experienced the hardest job i have ever had and now the best i have ever had. the nursing home taught me about strength and compassion. it was a choice everyday to continue on and not give up. i worked hard to get my certification. i did stuff i never thought i would and worked harder than i ever have. i saw glimpse of youth in the old faces and i saw death. it was not only physically demanding but extremely emotionally demanding as well. part of my heart still lingers with those wonderful ladies and men. they touched my life and i can only hope i touched their lives in the same way.
now, i have this amazing job. the child i assist brings me so much joy. i knew God would provide for me and he definitely did. i am very thankful to be working where i am.
my important friendships have seen some changes. actually starting at the very start of the year, with the first ever argument with a close friend- to today with the friendship struggling to stay alive. change is make or break i am realizing. moving to nashville has been fun, but has put a strain on a friendship dear to me. though that may not be as strong, i have grown closer to my sister-in-law and have made a few close acquaintances at work.
i believe this year has been a huge growing year for me emotionally. i have strived to be more confident, positive, and, well, more me. i think somewhere along the way from my senior of high school until now, i have lost me. i am rediscovering myself. because i once was more confident, positive and happy. and i want that back in my life.
i am looking forward to this next year. i am hoping to continue to grow. i am looking forward to seeing what i will be doing after michael leaves st. georges. i am looking forward to seeing my photography talents expand. i am looking forward to growing closer to God. i am looking forward to new friendships or renewing old ones. i am looking forward to life.
so, happy new year's friends. may it be wonderful for you.
12.29.2007
12.20.2007
12.17.2007
letting go and eva jean
for many years now i have wished for a best friend that i could have for years and years.
let me tell you a story about a friendship like that. when my grandma was in high school she had a friend named eva jean. they were best friends through high school and after graduation moved to flordia together. in flordia they met two men and got married. turns out this was the man of eva jeans dreams because they stayed married for the rest of their lives. my grandma on the other hand was not quite satisfied and moved back home. it was here she met a handsome army man and of course fell in love. my grandma moved up to new york with her new husband and started a family. eva jean visited her in new york. she was still involved with my grandma's life even though they did not live in the same state. still best friends. my grandma and grandpa moved back to tennessee. and eva jean and her husband were also here. so over the years there were children born and different life events. and they still remained best friends. just last week eva jean passed away. my grandma and her remained friends up until that very day.
i want a friend like that.
in my life i have had friendships that only last for a short season. wonderful friendships. the deep and meaningful kind. and recently one of my dearest friendships has faced many trials. i felt led to let go a little, for i have the tendency of holding on too tight. i think one of the hardest things is to let go.
i had to let go of this friendship. put it in her hands. over the last few weeks i have taken a very hands off approach in order to fix somethings. and am facing the fact that sometimes things don't work out. and it hurts... all the memories... it is fading away i am afraid.
and yet, i must remain confident. i must keep my faith that whatever is supposed to happen will and it will be for the best... even if that means losing my bestest.
and maybe she will be my eva jean. or maybe not. and i have to be ok with whatever the outcome will be. and whatever the outcome may be, God will always be my eva jean. and for that, i am thankful.
let me tell you a story about a friendship like that. when my grandma was in high school she had a friend named eva jean. they were best friends through high school and after graduation moved to flordia together. in flordia they met two men and got married. turns out this was the man of eva jeans dreams because they stayed married for the rest of their lives. my grandma on the other hand was not quite satisfied and moved back home. it was here she met a handsome army man and of course fell in love. my grandma moved up to new york with her new husband and started a family. eva jean visited her in new york. she was still involved with my grandma's life even though they did not live in the same state. still best friends. my grandma and grandpa moved back to tennessee. and eva jean and her husband were also here. so over the years there were children born and different life events. and they still remained best friends. just last week eva jean passed away. my grandma and her remained friends up until that very day.
i want a friend like that.
in my life i have had friendships that only last for a short season. wonderful friendships. the deep and meaningful kind. and recently one of my dearest friendships has faced many trials. i felt led to let go a little, for i have the tendency of holding on too tight. i think one of the hardest things is to let go.
i had to let go of this friendship. put it in her hands. over the last few weeks i have taken a very hands off approach in order to fix somethings. and am facing the fact that sometimes things don't work out. and it hurts... all the memories... it is fading away i am afraid.
and yet, i must remain confident. i must keep my faith that whatever is supposed to happen will and it will be for the best... even if that means losing my bestest.
and maybe she will be my eva jean. or maybe not. and i have to be ok with whatever the outcome will be. and whatever the outcome may be, God will always be my eva jean. and for that, i am thankful.
12.14.2007
joy to the world
the child i assist is a wonderful child. he brings more joy to my heart than i could even express.
today was the christams pageant. we have been practing very hard for weeks for this day. every child arrived dressed in their costumes and a smile on their face. michael was given a special part. he was a walking shepherd along with another child in our class. every practice this child graciously took michael's hand and led him to the stage up the long isle. michael was very excited to have this part. he exclaimed daily "we're going to the big church and all of Belle Meade is coming"!
today michael arrived in his shepherd costume looking exceptionally adorable. he smiled his precious smild and his little eyes squinted tight. he was excited the day arrived where he would "go to the big church". we took pictures and played and 9:40 finally arrived. we all anxiously headed towards "the big church". the music finally started and we walked in and sat in our special seat. michael waited for his cue to walk down the isle for his special moment. he spotted his mom and sister. when he saw his little sister his face lit up; he was proud she was there to watch him.
the shepherd song began to play and michael hesitantly walked to get in line with the shepherds. his friend tried to take his hand but michael refused and began walking alone. i hurried up the side to meet him in the front hoping he would make it up there. when i got to the front i was disappointed to see that he did not make it up there. my heart sank as i saw his mom carry him up the isle. michael has seen her friend wave and he sat down in the middle of the isle and cried. we sat on the floor in the front and watched the others sing. his mom went back to her seat and i sat with him. the last song, "joy to the world" was begining to play. over the previous weeks michael would sing this song as loud as he could. i looked over at him and asked if he wanted to go sing. he said "yes" with a smile and was up instantly and went to his spot and sang with all his heart. i was so proud of him. when it was over his friend took his hand and guided him out.
i met michael in the hall and he looked so proud. we sang "joy to the world" as loud as we could down the hall. he did it!
his parents greet him in the hall with big hugs and lots of kisses. they said "you did it, michael! you did it buddy!" and he gave an encore of "joy to the world".
my heart was humbled greatly in that moment. i realized in that moment it was ok michael did not do it perfect. i was worried they may be disspointed, but they are just thankful that he can get up there and sing. they are thankful for every little thing michael does. his steps maybe small and unsteady, but they are steps. God made no mistakes when making michael. i think God made a masterpiece when making him. he is wonderfully special. and a joy to this world.
today was the christams pageant. we have been practing very hard for weeks for this day. every child arrived dressed in their costumes and a smile on their face. michael was given a special part. he was a walking shepherd along with another child in our class. every practice this child graciously took michael's hand and led him to the stage up the long isle. michael was very excited to have this part. he exclaimed daily "we're going to the big church and all of Belle Meade is coming"!
today michael arrived in his shepherd costume looking exceptionally adorable. he smiled his precious smild and his little eyes squinted tight. he was excited the day arrived where he would "go to the big church". we took pictures and played and 9:40 finally arrived. we all anxiously headed towards "the big church". the music finally started and we walked in and sat in our special seat. michael waited for his cue to walk down the isle for his special moment. he spotted his mom and sister. when he saw his little sister his face lit up; he was proud she was there to watch him.
the shepherd song began to play and michael hesitantly walked to get in line with the shepherds. his friend tried to take his hand but michael refused and began walking alone. i hurried up the side to meet him in the front hoping he would make it up there. when i got to the front i was disappointed to see that he did not make it up there. my heart sank as i saw his mom carry him up the isle. michael has seen her friend wave and he sat down in the middle of the isle and cried. we sat on the floor in the front and watched the others sing. his mom went back to her seat and i sat with him. the last song, "joy to the world" was begining to play. over the previous weeks michael would sing this song as loud as he could. i looked over at him and asked if he wanted to go sing. he said "yes" with a smile and was up instantly and went to his spot and sang with all his heart. i was so proud of him. when it was over his friend took his hand and guided him out.
i met michael in the hall and he looked so proud. we sang "joy to the world" as loud as we could down the hall. he did it!
his parents greet him in the hall with big hugs and lots of kisses. they said "you did it, michael! you did it buddy!" and he gave an encore of "joy to the world".
my heart was humbled greatly in that moment. i realized in that moment it was ok michael did not do it perfect. i was worried they may be disspointed, but they are just thankful that he can get up there and sing. they are thankful for every little thing michael does. his steps maybe small and unsteady, but they are steps. God made no mistakes when making michael. i think God made a masterpiece when making him. he is wonderfully special. and a joy to this world.
11.26.2007
mememe
i post bulletins. i update my status. i leave certain things in my newsfeed on facebook. i post links to my photography.
seems kinda self-centered.
i read all these bulletins about my friends. i read their status updates. i read the information in some of my friends newsfeeds. i look at their links.
what is it about sharing so much information about ourselves? are we really that interested in ourselves? do we really think people are that interested in knowing that much about us?
i am quite perplexed about this.
i, for one, have quite a low self esteem. does this mean i am wanting people to be interested in me? and those that are confident, are they self centered? or just faking confidence and really just insecure? or do we just like sharing information out of boredom or because someone else did?
maybe it all does come down to trying to prove we are secure in an utterly insecure world.
still perplexed.
seems kinda self-centered.
i read all these bulletins about my friends. i read their status updates. i read the information in some of my friends newsfeeds. i look at their links.
what is it about sharing so much information about ourselves? are we really that interested in ourselves? do we really think people are that interested in knowing that much about us?
i am quite perplexed about this.
i, for one, have quite a low self esteem. does this mean i am wanting people to be interested in me? and those that are confident, are they self centered? or just faking confidence and really just insecure? or do we just like sharing information out of boredom or because someone else did?
maybe it all does come down to trying to prove we are secure in an utterly insecure world.
still perplexed.
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